She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
