i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
