just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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