Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
