You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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