Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
