It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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