I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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