I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
