Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
