I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
