No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
