Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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