throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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