The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
