he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
