Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
