Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
