before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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