I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Randomize
