clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
