Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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