I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
