The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
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