they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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