I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
