i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
