watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
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