oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
