the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
