After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
