GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
