So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
