please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Randomize
