My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
