I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
