I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
