Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
