i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
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