he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
