Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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