last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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