I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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