Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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