I think i peed on brittanys purse
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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