I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
