Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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