At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
