Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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