and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
